The Style Invitational Week 911 Help!
By Pat Myers, Friday, March 18, 2:54 PM
Man: My wife has been attacked by a
warthog!
911 dispatcher: Where are you located?
Man: 1845 Eucalyptus Drive.
911: Can you spell that?
Man: Uh, I’ll drag her on over to Oak
Street . . .
That’s basically the dialogue
in a recorded “911 call” that’s been making the online rounds and sounds
uncannily like a well-delivered comedy sketch. Because even the Invite doesn’t
do 9/11 jokes (well, not many), Loser Doug Frank suggests we exploit the week
number this way: Create a short, humorous dialogue – or a monologue featuring
one party — of a phone call to 911, or a call for help to someone else.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, discourtesy of Loser
for Life Tom Witte, a seemingly well-used copy of “The Self-Destruction
Handbook: 8 Simple Steps to an Unhealthier You.”
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable
mentions win a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly,
tree-shaped air “freshener” (Fir Stink for their First Ink). E-mail entries to
losers@washpost.com or fax, if you absolutely must, to 202-334-4312. Deadline
is Monday, March 28; results to be published April 17 (April 15 online).
Include “Week 911” in the subject line of your e-mail, or it may be ignored as
spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry.
See more rules at washingtonpost.com/ styleinvitational. The revised title for next week’s results is by Chris Doyle;
this week’s honorable-mentions subhead is by Beverley Sharp.
Report from Week 904.5: The second half of your neologisms formed by moving
the first letter of a real word to the end: Take a second to see what the
original word was — it always relates to the new word.
The winner of the Inker
Ommutec: The Egyptian god of
wasted time. (David Garratt, Glenn Dale)
2 Winner of the
basketball-hoop-on-your-head game: Pectacles: Gladiator movies. (Brad
Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)
3 Poonerisms: Wordplay used
to sneak a dirty joke into print. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
4 Uh: How most Americans
would respond, if asked to name the President of China. (Tom Witte, Montgomery
Village)
Moved to the rear: Honorable mentions
NCyclopediae: Reference books
accessible only to ages 17 and up. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)
Noozes: Periods of “watching”
CNN in your recliner. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
Normouse: A giant
Scandinavian rat. (Konrad Schwoerke, Chapel Hill, N.C., a First Offender)
Nthilla: A grain of sand.
(Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich)
NYthinga: What you buy from a
Manhattan street vendor. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Oblessen: Take from the poor
and give to the rich. “All GOP congressional freshmen eventually learn to
oblessen.” (Kevin Dopart)
Octorated: Took eight years
to get three letters. (Christopher Lamora)
Oinc: The ka-ching of
pork-barrel spending. (Kevin Dopart)
Olcatl: The Aztec god of
silly Internet memes. (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.)
Omunculush: A really ugly
drunk. (Vic Krysko, Surat Thani, Thailand)
Onnaget: A new device to
provide boarding assistance for extremely large airline passergers. (Jeff
Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
Onotonym: A boring nickname.
(Kevin Dopart)
Oogleg: A Web site you pore
over for half an hour when you’d been searching for something else. (Jan
Broulik, Chevy Chase, a First Offender)
Oreak: A creature that has a
splendidly developed lower half, but a sparse and hideous upper half. (Tom
Witte)
Ornadot: Map marking
designating a trailer park. (Kevin Dopart)
Ortlyp: The scientific term
for jowls. (Tom Witte)
Osseling: The act of publicly
displaying one’s children for profit. (Bill Oldach, Potomac, a First Offender)
Ouched: Called a demeaning
name. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)
Ouchet: The sting of a witty
rebuttal. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
Oursy: Kind of belonging to
both of us even though I didn’t pay for any of it. (Russell Beland, Fairfax;
Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
Piglottise: To talk while
eating. (Vic Krysko)
Possumo: Specialty of
Trattoria Westvirginico. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
Roublet: Rural French child
you can see coming from a kilometre away. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto,
Calif.)
Rumpt: Fired from an
apprenticeship. (Nathan Lindsey, Arlington; Sande Brecher, Rockville, both
First Offenders)
Sic: Describing overly
graphic TV crime dramas. (Craig Dykstra)
Sparagusa: A Mediterranean
tourist spot that’s a bit of an acquired taste . . . and smell. (Brendan Beary,
Great Mills)
Steriska: A Soviet “female”
athlete. (Tom Witte)
Tahu: New name for the Great
Salt Lake to attract more tourists (Tony Phelps, Washington)
Theista: A Sunday morning
nap. (Lynda Gattozzi, Bethesda, a First Offender)
Ummush: Hummus. (Brendan
Beary)
Undays: When you fix the
things you messed up the rest of the week. (Paul Rubenstein, Manassas Park, a
First Offender)
Uplicated: Made twice as
difficult. (Kevin Dopart)
Zone-O: The really high seats
at FedEx. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
And Last:
M-presse: The first part of the butt-kissing procedure. (Craig Dykstra)
Next week: Recast away, or Role muddles